the pain of falling back

It is a miserable feeling when you invest your time and emotions into someone and remain unsure of where you stand. When a girl has to question how a guy feels, the answer is most likely be along the lines of, “He likes you, but probably not enough.” It lingers in the backs of our minds: He can do all kinds of things, be so open with us, and yet, he cannot give us what we want, which is usually a committed relationship.

Of course, there are possible explanations to justify his behavior: Maybe he is under a lot of pressure at work; maybe he is terrified of commitment; maybe he isn't ready for any relationship; maybe he is incapable of liking someone past a certain point; maybe he just likes to have control over his own emotions. Yes, he wants something deeper than a physical relationship, but at the same time, he enjoys playing the field. Despite all of the possible reasons, if a guy says he does not want to be in a relationship, he means it. Surely, he cares about you, enjoys his time with you and does like you. But, it’s simply not enough!

The sad truth, however, is nothing you do or say will change the way he feels. To make it your problem will only cause unnecessary hurt to yourself. Most of us will see this as a reflection of ourselves. We think if only we did more for him, or if only we were prettier, the result would be different.

It is understandably hard to remove yourself from the situation after you have invested so much time and energy; it’s hard to accept things as they are. You will focus on what you want to hear and disregard all the red flags because you want this relationship to go somewhere.

You will cling to the slight glimpse of hope. You will rationalize reasons to stay in this ambiguous relationship. However, you will only end up hurt; you’ll be left standing there alone, trying to figure out how a woman like you could ignore so many blatant red flags and why this person let someone like you go. You feel like he took something from you and left a void you’ll now have to fill.

He took advantage of you. He knew you were invested, and he never stopped you. What makes it even worse is he was never on the same page as you. He made it safe for you to feel vulnerable with him; you thought he understood where you were coming from but, you are stuck in a situation where you are driven to uncover the truth.

Though the ideal solution is still up in the air, at least we know where the problem is. There is no quick fix. We want to soothe ourselves and to believe we are loved, despite all the external evidence that points to otherwise. We feel like we have compromised our values, which is absolutely devastating.

But, you should come to realize it was not you — it was him. If he likes you, and I mean really likes you, it will be obvious because he will make the effort. If the absence of the obvious is prolonged, there you have it.