Monday, 29 July 2013

Us

I never actually see myself writing a personal post out on this blog. For example, like how am I, what have I been struggling with in life or anything that got to do with my own personal thoughts and feelings and I guess, partly the reason why I don't say it out in public is because I am scared of how people will judge me at the end of it.

Yes, it is true that I don't lead a happy fairytale life every single day as how my blog portrays me to be. But at least, I am sharing something really personal here right now, on this blog, at this very moment. I never thought that I would blog about it and definitely not infront of my 250 followers and knowing that there is a risk of you reading it too. But I guess, why not share something which I have been through that changed and taught me so much in life because, I wouldn't ever want to forget about it too.

So here I am writing about US. It has been almost 10 months since, we ended things. But I never once mention anything about it (like the beginning, the problems, how it ended and the letting go). I still remember the first time you took my first kiss away and I cried like a little girl who lost her teddy, the first time you asked me out for supper and movie which ended up being our usual night activities, the first time you confess to me on your birthday party and kept kissing me like no one else matters in the room, the first time you fed me and it since became a usual habit for the both of us, the first time you held my hands in the car and we both just didn't want to let it go, the first time you drove down during midnight to picked me up from my place when I told you I had cravings for my favorite food, the first time you texted me "i miss you ):" and all I replied back was "awww. silly boy!", the first time you wrap your arms around me in the movie theater because, I was feeling cold, the first time I stayed over at your place where you hug me to sleep and waking up the next morning with kisses on my forehead, the first time you surprised me after work with dinner because, you were worried that I wouldn't eat, the first time you changed my bad habit of wearing safety belt because, you were worried for my safety, the first time you brought me out for midnight prawning but we didn't catch a single prawn but it didn't matter because, all we wanted were just each other company, the first time you decided to cancel your class and drove up to Malaysia together with my group of friends, the first time we decided to do late night car washing at your place because your car was so dirty but we both ended up playing with water, the first time we watched running man together and laughed so loud that your mum got pissed, the first time I fell sick and you came over to keep me accompany after your work, the first time we took a bus together from queenstown's ikea to cityhall till, I ended up falling asleep in your arms, the first time you towel dry my hair for me because, you didn't like the idea of me sleeping with wet hair, the first time you called me up to tell me you missed me though, we just left each other for 10minutes, the first time you disturb me and I would bite you so hard for it and you did the same back to me but you would end it with a kiss on the mark!

There were so many first times we had together but nevertheless, after some times, problems between the both of us starts to arise. From me not being independent enough, to you being selfish and couldn't commit and last of all, jealousy and trust problems took over the whole picture between us. Misunderstandings and so called "rumor" became the biggest problem. And I guess, that is when everything started to die off. From our first good times together to our first quarrel, to our first one word text, to our first not meeting-up and to our first silent week. I remembered those nights where I would cry myself to sleep as I think about how happy we both were together before and hoping that something good will come out of it but no, things just got worst as each week goes by. Each time we talked to each other, there will be sarcasm in our replies. Things got so bad that I just couldn't control my emotions anymore. And finally, we decided to end everything between us and that is when I cut all my connections from texts, whatsapp and instagram.

To be honest, I wasn't really proud of myself during this period of time. Letting go of it was definitely very difficult for me. Since young, I never liked the idea of not having something which I want so badly and because of my family background, I usually end up having everything that I wanted. So this time round, it was like a challenge for me because, I was left with nothing at all, no hope of any chances and I knew I had to let it go but I just didn't know how to. It hurts me so much each time I think about us.

And doing what I always do best which is running away from things. I started numbing myself with really long shifts at work, drifted myself from some of my closest friends and started back my party life but, in a pretty different and really wild way (which I never thought I would see myself in). During this period, my social network started to grow drastically too. Where I started to meet new people every single weekend. But no, I wasn't happy at all.

Then it came to a point that I felt it was too much for me to handle. I wasn't who I am anymore. I was physically and mentally drain. That is when I realized, my life was starting to change in every single way, from the friends I hangout with, to my own personal lifestyle and my own choices in life too. So I decided I should stop all of these, deal with my own problems and let time heal by itself.

It was definitely a big change for me. I stopped my wild partying habit and started living a healthier lifestyle instead. My partying lifestyle cut down to only once a month, I don't drown myself with alcohol but instead, I increase my intake on vegetables and fruits, I have stopped staying up late till 4am but instead, I sleep at 7pm most nights now, I make it a point to spend more time with my parents during the weekends, I started to stand up for myself and I learnt not to rely on people.

It is amazing looking back from where I started from and how someone could actually change me so much. I felt like I have grown so much during this period of time and I have actually finally pulled myself up together once again. I wouldn't say I did all of these alone but of course, with the help of my closest friends who stayed by my side no matter how much I have changed during that period of time and never ever gave up on me but instead, they continued to shower me with their unless love and care.

To all of you beautiful ones out there, it is okay to not be okay! I had my worst down side in life and I pulled through it after 10 long months. It will take a month, two months, half a year, a year or even years for you to be strong once again but always remember to face the problems and not run away from it. You are not going through it alone because, we all have our own struggles in life. So let's just face it together!

4 comments:

  1. I literally almost sobbed while reading this.
    stay tough dear. Hope the time will heal you.
    and stay strong, cause we women are!
    I wish you a wonderful life :)
    stay gorgeous!

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  2. Keep going love, this is one of the toughest hurdles in life but if you can get through it, then you can get through anything else in life. Be strong <3

    Check out my blog :)
    anasofiachic.blogspot.co.uk
    X

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  3. it's definitely ok to not be ok every once in a while. i had a bad "not ok" phase maybe ten years ago now, at the time i didn't think i would get past it but now i look back and barely remember how down i was feeling, or why i was angry etc. putting it down on words does help! hope you feel normal again soon, but take as much time as you need ;)

    steph / absolutely-fuzzy.com

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